Where the Food Comes From
-- And Where the Eggs Went
Ken Drummond, June 9, 1997

Purpose:
            To introduce the importance of agriculture.
            To show our dependence on today's farmer.
            To share the miracle of growing food.
            To encourage an appreciation of nature and to show the farmer's interaction with our natural resources to provide nourishing food.
            To promote earth stewardship (looking after the earth--soil and water conservation).

All: (singing)
            The farmer in the dell,
            The farmer in the dell,
            Hi-ho, the derry-o,
            The farmer in the dell.

Farmer John: (stepping forward)
            The farmer makes the cheese,
            The farmer makes the cheese,

All: Hi, ho, the derry-o,
            The farmer makes the cheese.

Big Bo Peep:   The goats make the milk,
                                    The goats make the milk,

All:       Hi, ho, the derry,
            O, the goat's make the milk.

Chicken Lady:  The chickens lay the eggs,
                                    The chickens lay the eggs,

All: Hi, ho, the derry-o,
            The chicken's lay the eggs.

Mary Gold:       The earth grows the food,
                                    The earth grows the food,

All:       Hi, ho, the derry-o,
            The earth grows the food.

Scarecrow:(talks)The crows better watch out or I'll scare them away

All: What?

Scarecrow:      The crows better watch out or I'll scare them away

All: (talk)  Oh!
     (sing) Hi, ho, the derry-o,
                          The crows better watch out or he'll scare them away.

Farmer John:   The farmer in the dell,
                                    The farmer in the dell,

All:       Hi, ho, the derry-o,
            The farmer in the dell.

Big Bo Peep:  Farmer John! Farmer John!

Farmer John:  Yes, what is it Big Bo Peep?

Big Bo Peep:   Well, Farmer John, you know that Little Bo Peep has gone off to look after the sheep, right?

John:  Yes, of course I know that, Big Bo Peep.

Peep:    Well, and you know that I'm supposed to stay here and look after the goats, right?

John:    Why, of course, Big Bo Peep, naturally we all know that.

Peep:    Well, if I'm looking after the goats, and Little Bo Peep is looking after the sheep, well then, Farmer John, who is looking after the chickens?

John:    Why, Bo Peep, don't you know who looks after the chickens?

Peep:    No, Farmer John, I forgot.

John:    Why, it's Chicken Lady, of course.

Peep:    Chicken Lady?

Chicken Lady:   Yes, Chicken Lady. Ta da. Da ta da da, da da. (She cackles.) Cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck.

Peep:    Oh, so you're the one who looks after the chickens? I thought you just collected the eggs.

Chicken Lady:   Well, I do collect the eggs, Bo Peep. But there's a lot more to looking after chickens than just collecting eggs, you know.

Peep:    Such as?

Chicken Lady:   Well, such as cleaning the chicken house every day, and feeding the chickens and watering them.

Scarecrow:        Wait a minute, I thought you watered plants. I didn't know that you watered chickens.

Chicken Lady:   That's just a form of expression. When I say water the chickens, I mean that I give them a drink, because their throats can get mighty dry from cackling all day long.

Chickens: (cackling)

Chicken Lady:   There they go again. One of them must have laid an egg.

Scarecrow:        Do they cackle every time they lay an egg?

Chicken Lady:   Yes, they do. They're always so proud of their accomplishment that they have to tell everyone about it.

Chickens:          (cackling)

Mary Gold:        Farmer John, there's trouble in the melon patch.

John:    What kind of trouble, Mary Gold?

Mary Gold:        Well, Farmer John, it's the cantaloupe and the honey dew melon. They've been visiting each other in the evenings and now they're talking of running off together and getting married.

John:    No, Mary Gold, I won't hear of it. They might feel romantic now but if those melons ran off and got married after awhile it would be, "Honey, dew this" and "Honey, dew that." You go and tell that musk melon for me that, "You're not to see the honey melon any more, you can't aloupe."

Mary Gold:        Okay, Farmer John.

Scarecrow: There's someone coming, Farmer John.

John: And who could that be, Scarecrow?

Scarecrow:        Well, I'm not sure, Farmer John, but it looks like it might be someone from the city. They don't look like they're from around these parts.

John:    Well, let's make them feel at home, Scarecrow. Everybody, let's give a big welcome to our visitors from the town.

SONG--Welcome to the Farm song.

[Enter City Man & City Woman in makeshift car]

City Woman:     Hey, do you know where the Fancy Dancy Fast Foods is?

John:    No, don't reckon I do. But if it's food you want, you've come to the right place, friends.

City Man:          Why, do you have a drive-up lane here?

John:    I don't know about that, but you can drive up the field a piece if you want and pick some nice corn or strawberries.

Man:     Do you have strawberry shakes?

John:    No, not since the earthquake last year, and even then the strawberries didn't shake much. Some of the apples shook off the trees, though.

Woman:            Fred, maybe they have some corn dogs.

John:    No, ma'm, we have some nice sheep dogs, though. They really love to be petted.

Man:     Well, I don't think you have the kind of food we want. Come on, Bev, we better get going.

John:    Well, not so fast now, you haven't sampled any of our fresh carrots right out of the ground yet. I can tell you folks aren't used to eating real food like we serve here so I'm going to consider it my special privilege to give you a little tour around the place. And you won't be hungry when we're done.

Man:     Well, if you've got some burgers or fries, I guess I could go for it. And I wouldn't mind some deep-fried carrot sticks.

John:    The kind of carrot sticks we have here don't need any frying. They're at their best right out of the ground.

Woman:            Ground? You mean ground beef, like in--burgers?

John:    No, the good earth, where most all our food comes from.

Woman:            Don't try putting me on. I know where food comes from--the supermarket.

John:    You might think it comes from there, but it doesn't. Here, let me show you around a little.

[Man & Woman get out of the car.]

Man: (aside to Woman) Okay, let's get this over with. You go on the tour and I'll get the signature.

Woman: (aside to Man) Okay.

Woman:            Well, okay, I'd really like to see the farm.

John:    The first thing I'd like to show you is the orchard. We have many different kinds of trees, apples, citrus, apricots, kumquats. Hey! What about your husband, isn't he coming on the tour.

Woman:            He's not my husband!

Man:     Oh, you go ahead. I'll just wait here in the car.

John:    Okay, well as I was saying, we've got sapotes, persimmons, peaches, and pears.

[exit Farmer John & Woman]
[Possible song, "Sapotes, persimmons & peaches & pears"]

Peep:    Are you going to just sit there, Mister? Can I offer you a nice cup of herbal tea?

Man:     What's that?

Peep:    Herbal tea. We grow all the herbs ourselves.

Man:     No thanks, well, I mean, ah, um, okay, sure, I'll try a cup of your gerbil tea. (aside) Yuk!

Scarecrow:        What ya gonna do with all those papers, Mister?

Man:     These papers, oh, these are uh, these are just, uh, autograph papers, that's what they are, autograph papers, yeah.

Scarecrow:        Autograph papers?

Man:     Sure, I'm collecting the autographs of famous and interesting people, see. By the way, maybe I could get your autograph.

Scarecrow:        My autograph?

Man:     Sure, you're probably the most famous scarecrow around here, right?

Scarecrow: Shucks, ya, now that you mention it, I guess maybe I am.

Man: Well, sign right here then.

Scarecrow:        Well, uh, okay.

Man:     And sign this one, too. And this one over here.

Scarecrow:        Wow, I guess I'm even more famous than I thought.

Mary Gold:        What are you doing, Scarecrow?

Scarecrow:        I'm signing autograph papers, Mary Gold.

Mary Gold:        Autograph papers?

Scarecrow:        Sure, you see I'm very famous, Mary Gold. Wait a minute, Mister. Mary Gold is famous too. Why she is probably just about the prettiest Mary Gold in all the flower patches around here. Can she sign your autograph papers too, Mister?

Man:     Sure she can, Scarecrow.

Mary Gold:        Thanks, Mister. What about Big Bo Peep, can she sign too>

Man:     Of course, I'd be delighted for all of you to sign. Don't forget this one, Scarecrow. Right here on the dotted line, that's right.

[Song: "Just sign on the dotted line"]

[Enter Farmer John & Woman]

John:    And so you see, this self-sustaining farm grows just about any food a person could want and as you've tasted for yourself, it is very delicious and certainly far more nutritious than anything you can buy in a supermarket.

Woman:            You're absolutely right, Farmer John. I've never tasted such delicious fruit and vegetables before. This really is a wonderful place you have here.

Man:     Okay, let's get in the car. I've got all the signatures. We can get out of here now.

John:    Signatures, what are you talking about?

Scarecrow:        It's okay, Farmer John. We just gave him our autographs. You see, we found out that we are actually vey famous.

Peep:    And Mary Gold is the prettiest flower in the marigold patch.

Mary Gold:        And Big Bo Peep is smarter than her sheep, uh, goats.

John:    Let me see those papers. I have a feeling that something fishy is going on around here.

Man:     Nothing fishy at all. It's strictly on the up and up. I have here sufficient signature from members of this cooperative farm to turn over the control of this property to a developer.

Scarecrow:        A developer, you mean like--a photographer?

John:    No, Scarecrow, he means to bulldoze over our beautiful farm and turn the whole thing into a shopping mall.

Scarecrow:        Wha, wha, wha, wha, wha ?

Mary Gold:        Oh, Farmer John, I'm afraid we've made a big mistake. I had no idea that's what was going on.

Peep:    Nor I farmer John. We are so sorry.

John:    I'm sorry, too. Those developers have been trying to take over this place since last fall, but I had no idea they would stoop so low. (to woman) And I thought you were really enjoying your visit.

Woman:            My visit, I was enjoying my visit. Farmer John, I'm so sorry, I didn't realize what was going on here. This rascal told me he was looking for a location for a retirement home for old people. I didn't know he was going to try to trick you out of your property, and for a shopping mall!

Man:     Well, the deed is done. I have the papers and I'm leaving. You can say goodbye to your parsnips and turnips and, and, to your gerbil tea. A ha ha ha ha. Well, do you want a ride back to town or do you want to walk.

Woman:            I'd rather walk a hundred miles than ride with you. You, you--creep.

Man: Have it your own way then. So long, suckers.

[He tries to start motor. Sound effect of motor spluttering & dying.]

Man: Come on, start you so and so. I need to get out of here, fast.

Chicken Lady:   (aside) There's no way, he's going to get out of here, not fast anyway.

Scarecrow:        Why is that, Bo Peep?

Chicken Lady:   Why, an old farm trick, Scarecrow. When he wasn't looking I put three eggs in the exhaust pipe.

Scarecrow: Good idea, Bo Peep. That should fix him. (to man) Maybe you need to look under the hood, Mister.

Man: Under the hood, why, what's under there.

Mary Gold: The motor, you dummy.

Man: Oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah, that could be the problem alright.

[He looks under the hood.]

Man: Hmm. I see something. It looks like wires under here. There's not supposed to be wires under the hood is there?

John: Well, a few spark plug wires are normal. Chicken Lady, it looks like a bit of a wind is blowing up, did you close the door of the chicken coop?

Chicken Lady: I'll do it right now, Farmer John. [exit]

[sound of wind blowing]

Mary Gold:        It's getting to be a regular whirlwind, Farmer John.

John:    Yeah, hold onto your hats, everyone.

[Wind (fan) blows papers out of car and scatters them.]

Chicken Lady, Mary Gold, and Scarecrow:  [pick up the papers and hand them to Big Bo Peep, who has just returned. She (helpfully) hands them to the man.] 
                        (whisper chanting) Bo Peep, Bo Peep. No, not the papers, don't let him get the papers.

Peep: What? Oh!

Man:     Thank you, I'll take those if you don't mind. Now, everybody stand back. I don't want any more interference. I'm going to put my precious papers here on this shelf where the wind can't blow them. [He puts his papers in the composter funnel.] Now you all stand back and out of my way. [ He busies himself under the hood of the car.]

Mary Gold:        Do you need a light so you can see what you're doing, Mister.

Peep:    Mary Gold is so yellow she shines like the sun.

Man: Well, yeah, stand over here so you can shine under the hood. But don't touch my papers.

[Mary Gold goes over to the car.]

Scarecrow: (whispering) The switch, Mary Gold, the switch.

Peep:    Press the switch, Mary Gold, press the composter switch.

Mary Gold: What?

Scarecrow, Peep, & Chicken Lady:         The switch, the switch.

Mary Gold:        The which? Oh, the switch!

Man:     What are you mumbling about there? What switch?
Mary Gold:        Oh, um, ah, um. Oh! The light switch, I have to turn on the light switch.

Man: Well, turn it on then. I haven't got all day.

Mary Gold: Well, I'd like to turn it on but it's over there by your papers and I can't reach it.

Man:     Oh, bother. Here, I'll get it. [He turns on the composter which ingests his papers.]

All except Man: (cheer)

Man:     Oh, no. What have I done? My precious papers! Now everything is lost. [He slams the door of the car.] Oh, no. I locked the keys inside. He walks around beating his head in frustration.

John:    Thank you friends, you have saved the farm.

Scarecrow:        We're so happy, Farmer John. We'll always be careful what we sign after this.

Woman:            I'm so sorry for what almost happened. But I'm glad that your farm is saved.

John:    That's okay and we're glad too. And you can come to visit us any time.

Mary Gold:        You can even come to live with us and become a part of the cooperative farming experience.

Woman:            I'd like that, life on a farm. I never considered that before, but somehow I think I'm really going to like it.

Man:     That does it. I'm going to call a taxi. Is there a pay phone around here? My cellular phone is locked in the car.

Scarecrow:        Hey, Mister. You didn't lock your keys in the car. The passenger door is unlocked. Do you want me to try and start it for you?

Man: (resignedly) Well, what have I got to lose.

[Scarecrow starts the car. Eggs shoots out of exhaust, now cooked in the form of an omelette, and drapes on the head of the man.]

All: (laugh)

Man: You know, this fresh, farm cooked food is actually pretty good. You have any french fries?