Dr. Kachoo, Sneezing Expert
October 28, 2005

            Hello, my name is Dr. Kachoo. I am an expert on sneezing, as well as on a lot of other things. As we all know sneezing occurs when air is forcibly and audibly driven out of the mouth and nose by a spasmodic involuntary action caused by irritation of the mucus membranes.
            A sneeze is something that is worthy of consideration. In fact, we could say that it is something that is not to be sneezed at.
            Many people have tried sneezing at a sneeze but it invariably gets them into trouble. And why get yourself into trouble if it is not necessary. Since the beginning of time people have been sneezing and it has indeed gotten some of us into trouble in cases such as giving away our location to the enemy.
            It is good to sneeze, we believe, at certain times. In fact it would be harmful not to sneeze. Those people who unnaturally stifle a sneeze as a matter of course, are not only doing possible damage by over-pressurizing the sinus cavities, but may also suffer by thwarting the purpose behind the sneeze.
            If there is a situation where you simply cannot, should not, or must not sneeze there are two ways to deal with it. Both of these methods arrest the sneeze before it has been triggered through the nerves.
            The first method is simply to slap the thigh with the hand. This will avert all but the most stubborn sneezes. However the thigh-slap method may be inconvenient in certain situations, such as when playing hide-and-seek or delivering an important speech.
            The best method is to press the upper lip with the finger. This works every time if the finger is placed on the upper lip soon enough. Only gentle pressure is required. Variations include touching the finger to the lower part of the nose or tensing the upper lip.
            Often simply tensing will work, but placing the finger there is a sure-fire thing.
            Don't blow your brains out any more. Try my proven method of sneeze-prevention--the very next time you are about to sneeze.
            But don't arrest a sneeze unnecessarily. The sneezing mechanism is triggered for a reason. Only arrest a sneeze when it is necessary for safety's sake or so as not to disturb others. When you are negotiating a difficult intersection while driving, you may wish to defer your sneezing to a later time.
            Having covered the basics about what we can do to control, and not to control, sneezing, let me continue on and tell you about the rest of life.
            Life is a thrilling, feeling experience. Those of us who do not take it for granted are often busy bewailing our sojourn here.
            Life is meant to be lived and embraced. You would not want to just let it pass you by, and perhaps miss out on something grand. Many grand duchesses have done so and thereby missed a golden opportunity. I would not do so if I had any choice. Many people have the choice but don't take advantage of it.
            If you have read this far, you may wonder what the above paragraph has to do with sneezing. The answer is that the sneezing part is over now and we are going on to other subjects. You see, sneezing was dealt with earlier on; now it is time to move along.
            When you look at life through rose-colored glasses you may wonder why the platitudes that have been handed to you seem to have been unfairly dealt. Indeed it is often most necessary to keep your gaze on the plate, rather than on the platitudes.
            Many of my readers have admonished me for seeming to be irrelevant on this subject but I assure you that this is no trivial situation. Many Frisbees have been sent sailing with little heed for their eventual destination or route in getting there. You also should take some thought for the morrow, or the morrow may never come.
            This may not necessarily be such a bad thing though, for we are taught to live in the moment. If we are living in the moment it seems unlikely that tomorrow will appear any time soon.
            Some of these truths may appear self-evident, but again, I don't say these things for my own health but for the benefit of those who are to come after. The hereafter is fast approaching and for many good citizens, has already arrived. It is an easy calculation to determine that there are likely to be over five billion fatalities within the next hundred years, fatalities that could certainly be otherwise avoided.
            There are those who have delayed or postponed the threat of certain dissolution, only to have it creep upon them at a later date.
            I don't want to encourage you to postpone the day of your reckoning any longer than is necessary, at the same time I wouldn't recommend that you rush into things without your eyes fully open. Remember that old saying about fools rushing in where angels fear to tread.
            You might be seeking some words of wisdom in this discourse but have not found any yet. Such is the way of man. Wisdom is not always to be found where you think you are looking, but often in uncalled for situations. For the very act of looking too intensely for the remedy for your ills may keep that remedy away. I once knew a man with a pill bottle. He would take a pill a day till the bottle was empty and then go looking for more. At the end of each month he would arrive at the drugstore crestfallen because his pills had run out. Upon receiving a new bottle of pills he felt content once more, but it was not because he needed more pills for his ailment but because he wanted some tangible evidence of his sickness to be able to impress his neighbor.
            Now this little story may not seem like much to you and you may be very right. It may be very true what you are thinking, then again it may not be. Who is to know? Do you know the answer yet, to the riddle of life?
            I hope you will read this column again next time when we will delve further into the idiosyncrasy, the conundrum, the astonishingly full bowl of cherries complete with pits, that we term life.
            Until we meet again, this is Dr. Kachoo wishing you a happy week and merry sneezing.

Note: Any remedies recommended by Dr. Kachoo may be wholly imaginary and are not to be confused with the real thing.